Just lately I have been feeling like I have hit an emotional brick wall. I don’t really know where the feelings have come from or even stemmed from. I just don’t feel that I am moving on ‚ I feel as though I am stuck fast in the same spot as the world is whizzing by me.
I find that since the strokes I can’t cope with much even the smallest worries seem to be like massive mountains ( which of course there not). Then there is the mountain of autism. Try as I May to get to the top to see the spectacular scenery I can never quite manage it as I am met with an avalanche of meltdowns or rocks falls of peoples ignorance. I always seem to hit the stumbling blocks and go crashing down to the bottom of the mountain.
Now I am very tired and weary‚ I feel as though I can’t carry on. Yet somehow I manage to get through another day‚ another week. I still feel very angry at life for my strokes that have robbed me of life as I knew it. It’s now finding different ways to do the simplest tasks‚ that’s getting me down.
It feels as though I have lost my fight and spark and that I am trapped in this old person’s body. The one that is unable to walk to the park just 5 minutes away or climb the stairs without feeling as though I have run a marathon. One thing that really upsets me is some days I can’t be there for the children as I can’t cope with the noise‚ meltdowns. My patience and tolerance have all disappeared and I am like Mount Edna who is ready to erupt at any time.
My zest for life has disappeared and seemingly gone forever. The only positive I can see about having a stroke is I get to watch a film again and again because to me it’s as though I am watching them for the first time.