Emotional Wall

Emotional Wall

Just lately I have been feeling like I have hit an emotional brick wall. I don’t really know where the feelings have come from or even stemmed from. I just don’t feel that I am moving on , I feel as though I am stuck fast in the same spot as the world is whizzing by me.

I find that since the strokes I can’t cope with much even the smallest worries seem to be like massive mountains ( which of course there not). Then there is the mountain of autism. Try as I may to get to the top to see the spectacular scenery I can never quite manage it as I am met with an avalanche of meltdowns or rocks falls of peoples ignorance. I always seem to hit the stumbling blocks and go crashing down to the bottom of the mountain.

Now I am very tired and weary, I feel as though I can’t carry on. Yet somehow I manage to get through another day, another week. I still feel very angry at life for my strokes that have robbed me of life as I knew it. It’s now finding different ways to do the simplest tasks, that’s getting me down.

It feels as though I have lost my fight and spark and that I am trapped in this old person’s body. The one that is unable to walk to the park just 5 minutes away or climb the stairs without feeling as though I have run a marathon. One thing that really upsets me is some days I can’t be there for the children as I can’t cope with the noise, meltdowns. My patience and tolerance have all disappeared and I am like Mount Edna who is ready to erupt at any time.

My zest for life has disappeared and seemingly gone forever. The only positive I can see about having a stroke is I get to watch a film again and again because to me it’s as though I am watching them for the first time.

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6 comments

  1. I’m thinking of you Wendy. xxx
    Although my health is OK (at the moment – I’m knocking on the wood) I feel like everything around me is going different ways and they all want me to be there for them at the same time. To be honest – it’s just too much for me too…

    I hope the sun will come out for us too…

    Hugs…

    • Thank you petra

      I think it is the winter months making me feel blue. I am sorry to hear you feel the same, it is an awful feeling

      Sending you love and hugs xxxx

  2. Do you see a counselor, Wendy? I know that I couldn’t have gotten through the first couple of years after my stroke without one. Be gentle with yourself. You’re dealing with a lot.

    • Hi thank you for your comment Sarah.

      No I was meant to see a counsellor but it never happened. I thought I was dealing with my strokes but obviously not as well as I thought xx

  3. Any idea when you may have your cardiac problems sorted? Thought you were waiting for a cardiac op soon (or is that me getting in a muddle?)

    I can’t believe that you are not getting more help round the house. It must make life so difficult for both of you.

    You take care (((HUGS)))

    • Thanks for your comment.

      I am still waiting for the heart op.

      I feel sorry for hubs he has so much on his plate at times. We were referred for help but nothing ever came of it.

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